So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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