I love black thongs
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
