he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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