Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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