Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
