I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
