low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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