Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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