9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
