Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
