i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
