In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Randomize
