Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
that is very illegal...i love you.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
