Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
