im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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