I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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