Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
