you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
