but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
