Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
