you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
