I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
