I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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