can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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