I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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