I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Alive.
So much puke
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
