I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
