i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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