I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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