I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
