You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
