I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
