Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
