my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
