How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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