I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
