I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
