ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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