i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
