last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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