College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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