Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
