I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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