Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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