There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize