At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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