I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
