All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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