All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
