2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
operation have a gay friend backfired
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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