I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
