i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
