New invention idea: vibrating tampons
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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