She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
