I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
