She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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