i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
