gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
