All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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